Once I had realised that a blog would be an ideal space for conversational articles, opinion-based discourse, and slightly controversial takes, the standard of gendered accountability within cheating culture seemed like a good place to start. My core argument being; the man holds less accountability as the cheater than the woman, and this concept is completely reliant on social attitudes towards the act in a strictly gendered sense. I have to say, researching this proved difficult, many articles and statistical data focus on ‘WHY men cheat vs WHY women cheat’, or ‘the EFFECTS of cheating on men vs women,’ or (my least favourite) ‘do men or women cheat MORE?’ I, for now, am not interested in this. Firstly, due to the infinite subjectivity on the topic that it’ll make my head spin (even the data I have mentioned above typically reveals that there is no statistical conclusion on the matter.) Secondly, because I believe collective, social attitudes are one of the most powerful devices in creating generational injustices (no matter how big or small). Step by step, blog by blog, article by article, we can challenge double standards and begin holding men to the same level of accountability as women when they commit wrongdoing.

And yes, I say wrongdoing as (by sweeping claim), cheating is wrong. I say ‘standard’ because women who cheat are completely marginalised as ‘wicked’ through institutions such as the media, the family, the friend group, etc. And rightfully so, yes? But can we truly say this standard is equally held for that of a man who (hypothetically) cheats in the same manner? I have conjured up a few factors which I believe contribute to the vast majority’s (conscious or subconscious) implicit normalisation of disloyal men.

I’ll initially ‘rewind’ and state something annoyingly obvious to (I hope) majority of you; the male gender has always been perceived as the most sexually provocative. I say ‘perceived’ as, biologically, female bodies are equally as productive when producing sex hormones and developing internal and external pleasure organs with thousands of nerve endings… but I digress. Biology is, unfortunately, not my forte; I’m speaking strictly from an observational perspective. So, women’s “lack of sexual desire” cannot really be explained (in a way that makes sense) through biology… any lucky guesses as to where the “men are hornier” myth comes from? I ‘d say because that’s simply what we were taught and expected to believe. Historically, a standard of sexual purity was expected for women, naturally resulting in loyalty towards their future husbands, before they had even met. Where girls are taught to view marriage as the most honourable contract, a man’s stag do is his ‘last night of freedom’… funny, that. It is almost as if women’s sexualities have been completely governed by society FOR the benefit of men. Their virginities remained untouched and valuable, only to be taken through matrimonial consummation. Yet, men’s “natural” sexual appetite granted them the action of taking a woman’s virginity but never giving up theirs in return. Essentially, virginity is a social construct to calculate a women’s worth, there’s no physical way of telling whether a woman is a virgin or not (yes, ‘popping your cherry’ is an evil tale told by our evil society, forcing us to believe that part of a woman ‘breaks’ when she has sex for the first time).  Blah, blah, blah, men like sex, women don’t, men need sex, women don’t, it’s all very binary and untrue. My point is that if men are perceived as being more sexually provocative, there is an unfortunate expectation that they will cheat. Are you with me?

How many times have you girls heard the phrase ‘boys will be boys?’ How many time have you boys heard this phrase as an excuse for your own behaviour as children, I wonder? A seemingly harmless phrase used to excuse rowdy behaviour in adolescence sets the framework that boys are innately allowed to act in a way that’s recognised as ‘naughty’ or even ‘immoral,’ simply because they are male. Unfortunately, as we grow from the innocent ages of five, or eight, or ten, into our complicated teenage years, this phrase is used slightly differently but the foundation still lies. I, personally, heard phrases such as ‘expect your first love to break your heart,’ or ‘you know what teenage boys are like,’ or ‘don’t expect men to be loyal.’ All said so casually, from men and women. There is an expectation for men to cheat, whether that be because they are testosterone-d teenagers, unable to keep it in their pants, or because their wives have grown old and ugly, and they need a younger woman to comfort them through their mid-life crisis. Alternatively, I would just build a shed or join a book club, but that’s just me. I cringe at my own accountability for the casualness towards men cheating. How often have we heard (or even vocalised ourselves) people praising the male partners of sisters, friends, colleagues simply for having never cheated on their romantic partner? You hear a collective ‘wow’ as if this man had planned a weekend getaway, or hand wrote a lovey-dovey letter. Men cheating has been set as the standard, it’s anticipated and you’re labelled as “lucky” if it never happens to you.

If you’ve made it this far, tap on the back for you. I have discussed a lot about infidelity, but can any of us really recognise it these days?  We are now at an age where everyone is just a few clicks and a subscription away from all kinds of pornography (maybe our parents were right, and it is those “damn phones”) Yes, I do genuinely believe that modern, technological advancements have played a distinct role in shaping how we define infidelity, and I’ll explain why. The digital accessibility of intimate material manipulates us into asking questions such as ‘what even COUNTS as cheating?’ Because our phones are now flooded with OnlyFans advertisements, the normalisation of sex work, raunchy clickbait (I could go on), we’re increasingly programmed to believe that intimacy is public and readily available. When teenage boys and men are consistently exposed to content that indulges their sexual desires, as we women are entirely aware, it will allude us to believe that it is normal, it will create a desensitisation. So, when our boyfriend’s openly like half-naked images of other women on social media, I urge you to re-think the boundaries of your romantic relationships, instead of merely brushing it off because it’s conventionalised. I’ve used the term ‘boyfriends’ in this instance, as the entire public world of pleasure is entirely adhered to men. And let’s not treat them as if they are unaware of this, we’ll give them the credit of being socially conscious, we’ll hold them accountable for their participation, and we’ll display the same reproaching attitude as if their girlfriends had participated in the same way.

Limitations.

For discretion, this article has been written from the point of view of me, myself, and I. Every analysis and conclusion comes from personal observation and experience, with a touch of historical context. I write about ‘gendered attitudes’ strictly within heterosexual relationships, social attitudes towards infidelity within queer relationships (I can imagine) are interpreted differently.